I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
