I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Screwed.edu
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
