gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Randomize
