My underwear smells like fireworks.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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