Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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