She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
