he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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