Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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