is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize