you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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