My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
