I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
