Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
