Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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