Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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