Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
