Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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