ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Randomize
