My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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