The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
