On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize