I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
