I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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