Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
