life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
