The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
