and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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