I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
