Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
she peed on how many people?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
