he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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