True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
