matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
