Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
