So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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