I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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