if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
