I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize