today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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