ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Randomize
