I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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