Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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