Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
