i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
