and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
The ass gains better be worth it
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize