Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
