I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
