I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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