im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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