bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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