Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
