Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Randomize
