i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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