I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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