Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
this is an emotional support booty call
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
