I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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