my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
