at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
