so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
