two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
