I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
