I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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