i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
