Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
