Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
