Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize